Every year my family meets up in Mammoth Lakes in CA. We have been doing this since I was a ball of mush floating around in embryonic fluid. It used to be we all jumped in the car and drove for eight hours together (and oddly no one was ever killed), then once I moved to Santa Barbara I took a Greyhound for 10 hours to get out there and after I got my car I drove for 6 hours in the middle of the night (my car would overheat trying to tackle the incline). Now living in Seattle I have to fly out to Reno and then drive down from there for three hours. No big deal, right?
Wrong! I can't stand flying to Reno.
There is always a group that is already drunk before getting on the plane and they only get worse. The majority of the rest of the plane proceeds to get piss drunk on the way there so that by the last half hour no iPod earphones in the world can tune out their screeching and wailing.
Landing in Reno is always bumpy and windy and very very nerve racking and nauseating. I know this is not actually Reno's fault, but the only planes that fly there from Seattle are those little 30 seat propeller planes, so you can imagine how the wind tosses and turns them every which way. Add this to the drunk crowd within the plane of which half are hooting and hollering because they think the idea that we might crash sounds fun and the other half is trying to not puke.
As soon as you exit the plane half the passengers run squealing to the first slot machine they see, which oddly enough abound just along the corridors of the airport. Hmmmm. This trip I even saw a chauffeur holding up his sign with a last name on it in one hand while hitting the button on a slot machine with the other.
On the way out is no better. Now the plane is filled with people still hung over, grumpy they did not win "their" jackpot and just starting to fully realize how much money they just "spent" (lost). A fight between a couple or two is mandatory, at least one group of "friends" needs to be "discussing" (fighting) about something one of them did while drunk, and one or two people need to switch their seats because they do not want to sit next to the person they came with. Oh yeah, loads of fun. One piece of advice: do not agree to switch seats with anyone. You will be subjected to a complete "unbiased" version of what so and so did and why it was so wrong and how they have never been like that before but what they did was so wrong that it is unforgivable.
Anyways, that is that. But this trip I was lucky enough to also meet the most stupid and bitchiest Quiznos employee this side of the Mississippi. Words can not best describe her complete lack of brain cells and complete disdain for life so I will simply give you the dialogue that took place.
Me: Looking up at the list of "specialty subs" they have listed.
Quiznos girl: "Are you ready to order?"
Me: "Hi. Is it possible to just get a roast beef sandwich?"
Quiznos girl: "The sirloin steak sub."
Me: Look up at the "sirloin steak sub" and read that it has marinated roast beef, grilled onions and mushrooms and melted cheddar cheese. "No. I really just want a plain roast beef sandwich."
Quiznos girl: Cocking her head a giving out a loud sigh. "That IS our roast beef sandwich."
Me: "Oh. Well I just want roast beef with lettuce, tomato, mustard…"
Quiznos girl: Cuts me off by saying, "Do you want regular mustard or spicy?"
Me: "Regular."
Quiznos girl: "We don't have regular mustard. We only have it in the little packages over there." Points to the stand with the napkins, cup lids, etc.
Me: "Oooookaaaaay. Then I will just put the mustard on myself later."
Quiznos girl: Pulls out the bread and a little bag with roast beef in it and barks, "Do you want sauce on that?"
Me: "No. I am going to put mustard on it."
Quiznos girl: "Do you want your onions and mushrooms grilled?"
Me: "Noooooooo. I don't want onions or mushrooms. I just want a plain roast beef sandwich."
Quiznos girl: Getting really annoyed at this point. "I heard that, but you have to tell me what you DO want on your sandwich."
Me: "Lettuce, tomatoes, pickles…"
Quiznos girl: Completely exasperated now. "We DON'T HAVE pickles"
Me: "Look, all I want is a plain roast beef sandwich. Is that possible?"
Quiznos girl: Rolls her eyes, because how on God's green earth could I be so stupid to have asked not only for plain mustard and then pickles, but then to ask if she could make a plain roast beef sandwich when it is sooooo obvious that, "We are not like the other Quiznos. We only make the specialty subs." Gives me look that says 'duh'.
Me: Lean over the counter, look her right in the eye and very condescendingly say, "You know what, how about I make this easy for you? I'll have the chicken." And walk away down to the register.
The glare she gave me was priceless and a few minutes later when she walked over and tossed my sandwich down on the counter and growled, "Here you go ma'am" as if it tortured her soul to have to act politely to me, I was for a brief moment no longer in the cesspool of rotting lives and dreams, but lifted to heaven. If only briefly but oh so sweet of a moment.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Let me help you with that asterisk
This post is meant for those who have an opinion of Barry Bonds and his HR record who know little about baseball and/or Barry yet have decided to vocalize their opinion of him.
Barry Bonds:
757 HRs (1st)
1983 RBIs
514 SBs
2916 Hits
.608 SLG
7 MVPs (1st)
14 All-Star Games
8 Gold Gloves
12 Silver Sluggers
73 HR in a single season (1st)
.863 SLG in a single season (1st)
.609 OBP in a single season (1st)
13 consecutive seasons w/ 30+ HRs (tied for 1st)
400/400 only player
500/500 only player
40/40 one of four
3 Grand Juries
0 Indictments
If you do not even know half of what that all means - don't take this personally - but shut the hell up about what you think of Barry Bonds.
Barry Bonds has been playing in MLB since 1986; that is 22 seasons (including this one). He is 43 years old, has been playing on the Giants for 15 seasons, 7 seasons with Pittsburgh before that. If you only just heard about him in 2003 when BALCO got raided, again - shut the hell up.
If all you know about Barry Bonds is what you read in 'Game of Shadows,' chew on this. The grand jury testimonies included in that book were illegally leaked by Ellerman, who is serving jail time for that. So you read parts of a grand jury testimony that were first picked out by a disbarred lawyer serving time and then by two journalists on a hunt for a story. There are countless other pages of testimony and evidence that remain sealed and unpublicized. Aka: the evidence that makes multiple grand juries not indict him or the boring stuff that does not make a good story.
If you think 'Game of Shadows' is all about Barry Bonds then you obviously only read the excerpts in Sports Illustrated. That was some great marketing by the way, put Barry on the cover of the book because people recognize him and then as a pre-release teaser publish a section of the book that is about him.
If you think they are trying to indict Barry Bonds for steroid use - you get your news from Fox Noise and it is in your best interest that you never mention this to me in person. They want to indict him for perjury, not steroid use. He has already admitted to using topical steroids, what is under investigation is whether he was telling the truth when he said he did not know they were steroids.
If you think the only thing keeping Barry from being indicted is that Anderson won't testify you are so dumb you are now dead to me. First, Anderson can not testify against any of the players he worked with, it was part of his plea deal. That means he talks and his plea deal is off and he can be tried for dealing illegal drugs, so you can bet your little asterisks he has no problem sitting in jail for the length of a grand jury. It is not because of some sort of loyalty or pay off, it is a simple comparison of maybe 1 year in jail to 10 or so. Second, if the case against Barry, with all the 200 sources and 1000 documents used just to write 'Game of Shadows', hinges on the testimony of one drug dealer, well then this whole thing has been one big expensive show.
That's right, while the sports networks and writers have been happily racking in the profits of high ratings and the money spent on magazines and book sales, we have also been paying for this investigation. Woo hoo right? Have you enjoyed the show?
Moving on...
Most of those awards you see listed above, he received prior to 2000 (that would be the year Anderson became his trainer). And do you think he racked up all those HRs, Hits, RBIs and stolen bases just in this decade? No. He was and has been an awesome player long before the media frenzy. In 1993, his first season with the Giants (or the skinny pictures for the rest of you), he had 46 HRs, 123 RBIs, 29 SBs, a .336 AVG, .458 OBP and .677 SLG!
It is mostly because of Barry Bonds that the Giants still remain in SF, made it through the mid-90s and reemerged as a contending team with a brand new baseball park.
It is mostly because Barry Bonds was on the Giants that most people did not know of him even though he was considered one of, if not the best, active player at the time (I am still talking about the 90's by the way).
I grew up watching Barry Bonds. I remember when he was really the only thing to watch at a game. I remember a home run he hit in the bottom of the 9th to win the game just before the July 4th fireworks show at Candlestick. I remember the first time I saw him up close. I remember trying to decide whether to get left field bleacher seats so we could heckle Henderson or right field so we might catch a ball during batting practice. All of these memories were before he even hit his 500th home run.
So as I am sure you meant no offense by your loudly proclaimed proclamation based on little knowledge and blind faith following of mainstream media, you will then understand that I too mean no offense when I tell you to shove your asterisk where the sun don't shine and shut the hell up.
Barry Bonds:
757 HRs (1st)
1983 RBIs
514 SBs
2916 Hits
.608 SLG
7 MVPs (1st)
14 All-Star Games
8 Gold Gloves
12 Silver Sluggers
73 HR in a single season (1st)
.863 SLG in a single season (1st)
.609 OBP in a single season (1st)
13 consecutive seasons w/ 30+ HRs (tied for 1st)
400/400 only player
500/500 only player
40/40 one of four
3 Grand Juries
0 Indictments
If you do not even know half of what that all means - don't take this personally - but shut the hell up about what you think of Barry Bonds.
Barry Bonds has been playing in MLB since 1986; that is 22 seasons (including this one). He is 43 years old, has been playing on the Giants for 15 seasons, 7 seasons with Pittsburgh before that. If you only just heard about him in 2003 when BALCO got raided, again - shut the hell up.
If all you know about Barry Bonds is what you read in 'Game of Shadows,' chew on this. The grand jury testimonies included in that book were illegally leaked by Ellerman, who is serving jail time for that. So you read parts of a grand jury testimony that were first picked out by a disbarred lawyer serving time and then by two journalists on a hunt for a story. There are countless other pages of testimony and evidence that remain sealed and unpublicized. Aka: the evidence that makes multiple grand juries not indict him or the boring stuff that does not make a good story.
If you think 'Game of Shadows' is all about Barry Bonds then you obviously only read the excerpts in Sports Illustrated. That was some great marketing by the way, put Barry on the cover of the book because people recognize him and then as a pre-release teaser publish a section of the book that is about him.
If you think they are trying to indict Barry Bonds for steroid use - you get your news from Fox Noise and it is in your best interest that you never mention this to me in person. They want to indict him for perjury, not steroid use. He has already admitted to using topical steroids, what is under investigation is whether he was telling the truth when he said he did not know they were steroids.
If you think the only thing keeping Barry from being indicted is that Anderson won't testify you are so dumb you are now dead to me. First, Anderson can not testify against any of the players he worked with, it was part of his plea deal. That means he talks and his plea deal is off and he can be tried for dealing illegal drugs, so you can bet your little asterisks he has no problem sitting in jail for the length of a grand jury. It is not because of some sort of loyalty or pay off, it is a simple comparison of maybe 1 year in jail to 10 or so. Second, if the case against Barry, with all the 200 sources and 1000 documents used just to write 'Game of Shadows', hinges on the testimony of one drug dealer, well then this whole thing has been one big expensive show.
That's right, while the sports networks and writers have been happily racking in the profits of high ratings and the money spent on magazines and book sales, we have also been paying for this investigation. Woo hoo right? Have you enjoyed the show?
Moving on...
Most of those awards you see listed above, he received prior to 2000 (that would be the year Anderson became his trainer). And do you think he racked up all those HRs, Hits, RBIs and stolen bases just in this decade? No. He was and has been an awesome player long before the media frenzy. In 1993, his first season with the Giants (or the skinny pictures for the rest of you), he had 46 HRs, 123 RBIs, 29 SBs, a .336 AVG, .458 OBP and .677 SLG!
It is mostly because of Barry Bonds that the Giants still remain in SF, made it through the mid-90s and reemerged as a contending team with a brand new baseball park.
It is mostly because Barry Bonds was on the Giants that most people did not know of him even though he was considered one of, if not the best, active player at the time (I am still talking about the 90's by the way).
I grew up watching Barry Bonds. I remember when he was really the only thing to watch at a game. I remember a home run he hit in the bottom of the 9th to win the game just before the July 4th fireworks show at Candlestick. I remember the first time I saw him up close. I remember trying to decide whether to get left field bleacher seats so we could heckle Henderson or right field so we might catch a ball during batting practice. All of these memories were before he even hit his 500th home run.
So as I am sure you meant no offense by your loudly proclaimed proclamation based on little knowledge and blind faith following of mainstream media, you will then understand that I too mean no offense when I tell you to shove your asterisk where the sun don't shine and shut the hell up.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Summer Halftime Report
Good afternoon everyone and welcome to this edition of....
The Summer Halftime Report!
Let's check in with Surtur Supreme for the latest updates on Entertainment, Sports, Fashion and who the hell knows.
Thank you Surtur for that exciting update.
Well thats all the time we have for today folks. Be sure to tune in next time for all the latest and greatest happenings this summer and beyond. Thank you and good night.
(cue closing music and credits) :)
Okay, so I kind of cheated, but I am just too tired to come up with anything on my own right now. In between family, friends, a birthday, traveling, looking for an apartment, quiting smoking and some how losing one of my toe nails (not kidding there) I am a bit tired.
I love summer. :D
The Summer Halftime Report!
Let's check in with Surtur Supreme for the latest updates on Entertainment, Sports, Fashion and who the hell knows.
Thank you Surtur for that exciting update.
Well thats all the time we have for today folks. Be sure to tune in next time for all the latest and greatest happenings this summer and beyond. Thank you and good night.
(cue closing music and credits) :)
Okay, so I kind of cheated, but I am just too tired to come up with anything on my own right now. In between family, friends, a birthday, traveling, looking for an apartment, quiting smoking and some how losing one of my toe nails (not kidding there) I am a bit tired.
I love summer. :D
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