Quiznos Bitch

Every year my family meets up in Mammoth Lakes in CA. We have been doing this since I was a ball of mush floating around in embryonic fluid. It used to be we all jumped in the car and drove for eight hours together (and oddly no one was ever killed), then once I moved to Santa Barbara I took a Greyhound for 10 hours to get out there and after I got my car I drove for 6 hours in the middle of the night (my car would overheat trying to tackle the incline). Now living in Seattle I have to fly out to Reno and then drive down from there for three hours. No big deal, right?

Wrong! I can't stand flying to Reno.

There is always a group that is already drunk before getting on the plane and they only get worse. The majority of the rest of the plane proceeds to get piss drunk on the way there so that by the last half hour no iPod earphones in the world can tune out their screeching and wailing.

Landing in Reno is always bumpy and windy and very very nerve racking and nauseating. I know this is not actually Reno's fault, but the only planes that fly there from Seattle are those little 30 seat propeller planes, so you can imagine how the wind tosses and turns them every which way. Add this to the drunk crowd within the plane of which half are hooting and hollering because they think the idea that we might crash sounds fun and the other half is trying to not puke.

As soon as you exit the plane half the passengers run squealing to the first slot machine they see, which oddly enough abound just along the corridors of the airport. Hmmmm. This trip I even saw a chauffeur holding up his sign with a last name on it in one hand while hitting the button on a slot machine with the other.

On the way out is no better. Now the plane is filled with people still hung over, grumpy they did not win "their" jackpot and just starting to fully realize how much money they just "spent" (lost). A fight between a couple or two is mandatory, at least one group of "friends" needs to be "discussing" (fighting) about something one of them did while drunk, and one or two people need to switch their seats because they do not want to sit next to the person they came with. Oh yeah, loads of fun. One piece of advice: do not agree to switch seats with anyone. You will be subjected to a complete "unbiased" version of what so and so did and why it was so wrong and how they have never been like that before but what they did was so wrong that it is unforgivable.

Anyways, that is that. But this trip I was lucky enough to also meet the most stupid and bitchiest Quiznos employee this side of the Mississippi. Words can not best describe her complete lack of brain cells and complete disdain for life so I will simply give you the dialogue that took place.



Me: Looking up at the list of "specialty subs" they have listed.

Quiznos girl: "Are you ready to order?"

Me: "Hi. Is it possible to just get a roast beef sandwich?"

Quiznos girl: "The sirloin steak sub."

Me: Look up at the "sirloin steak sub" and read that it has marinated roast beef, grilled onions and mushrooms and melted cheddar cheese. "No. I really just want a plain roast beef sandwich."

Quiznos girl: Cocking her head a giving out a loud sigh. "That IS our roast beef sandwich."

Me: "Oh. Well I just want roast beef with lettuce, tomato, mustard…"

Quiznos girl: Cuts me off by saying, "Do you want regular mustard or spicy?"

Me: "Regular."

Quiznos girl: "We don't have regular mustard. We only have it in the little packages over there." Points to the stand with the napkins, cup lids, etc.

Me: "Oooookaaaaay. Then I will just put the mustard on myself later."

Quiznos girl: Pulls out the bread and a little bag with roast beef in it and barks, "Do you want sauce on that?"

Me: "No. I am going to put mustard on it."

Quiznos girl: "Do you want your onions and mushrooms grilled?"

Me: "Noooooooo. I don't want onions or mushrooms. I just want a plain roast beef sandwich."

Quiznos girl: Getting really annoyed at this point. "I heard that, but you have to tell me what you DO want on your sandwich."

Me: "Lettuce, tomatoes, pickles…"

Quiznos girl: Completely exasperated now. "We DON'T HAVE pickles"

Me: "Look, all I want is a plain roast beef sandwich. Is that possible?"

Quiznos girl: Rolls her eyes, because how on God's green earth could I be so stupid to have asked not only for plain mustard and then pickles, but then to ask if she could make a plain roast beef sandwich when it is sooooo obvious that, "We are not like the other Quiznos. We only make the specialty subs." Gives me look that says 'duh'.

Me: Lean over the counter, look her right in the eye and very condescendingly say, "You know what, how about I make this easy for you? I'll have the chicken." And walk away down to the register.

The glare she gave me was priceless and a few minutes later when she walked over and tossed my sandwich down on the counter and growled, "Here you go ma'am" as if it tortured her soul to have to act politely to me, I was for a brief moment no longer in the cesspool of rotting lives and dreams, but lifted to heaven. If only briefly but oh so sweet of a moment.