Thy name is Legion.

You would not think it something to brag about, but I am very adept at being able to shop at and leave Safeway stores with none or few plastic bags. Today I give up my bragging rites and join the ranks of those who can only shake a fist at the sky and curse the brainless masses of this world.

Let me reminisce to you my past conquests against the environment-hating landfill hog that is Safeway...

There was the time that I went against the checker who after soullessly asking, "Paper or plastic?" to me (a rare question which socked and heartened me at first) it became immediately apparent that even she was a mindless drone simply going through the motions. After my, "Paper please." response she begin reaching for the plastic bags in a robotic manor. My first attempt at saying, "Paper!" louder did not deter her, so in the nick of time I leaned over the counter and in an even louder voice yelled, "PAPER!" into her face. This was enough to reset her autopilot and with a nod she began bagging my groceries in the correct receptacle.

There was the time that upon announcing to both the checker and bagger that I wished to have paper, I masterfully caught out of the corner of my eye that my request had not penetrated the two foot bubble of 'all the exists in the world' encompassing the checker drone. With lightning speed I threw out my hand to stop their advancement toward the plastic bags. This made my existence known to them so that I was able to explain my preference to him, again.

There have been the numerous times that even after authoritatively and with eye contact I have given my 'paper' command to each drone present, that I must then go a step further and give them directions as to not put my paper bag in a plastic bag. Sometimes this needs to be explained a second time, but like I said before, I pride myself on being able win against a foe that outnumbers me and is incessantly stubborn in its brainlessness.

Today I failed. Not only did I fall to the enemy, but they rained down revenge from years of leaving the battleground successfully with only paper bags. Let me now tell you about this sad defeat and merciless vengeance.

This morning upon looking at my grocery list I estimated that 2 bags would be needed to hold them all. I went to the cupboard below the sink and removed two paper bags; making sure of course that they were from the same store I was intending to shop at. I entered the battlefield two paper bags and one grocery list in hand. Fifteen minutes later I fearlessly approached my adversary with my now full basket. At the moment the first item was about to be scanned I proclaimed my desire to reuse the two bags I had with me and handed them over to the bagger drone. I then turned my attention to the checker drone and explained my need to buy stamps, all the while keeping his cohort with in sight. That is when they struck!

My opponent at the check register, which held my needed stamps, looked at me and mumbled something with which I could only decipher the words eight and twenty four from within the sentence. I asked for clarification but that only yielded the same nonsense. Instead of trying to give an education on the need to part one's lips in order to speak, I decided to try and communicate with this life-form by saying, "Uh, twenty four?" My guess at his initial communication had been wrong obviously because the mumbling human look-a-like in front of me, seeming shocked by my response, then explained to me that they only had books of twenty four stamps. His sudden ability to speak coherently shocked me and it would only be too late that I would realize that this had all been a ruse to distract me.

Upon being handed my stamps I turned to collect my...bags?

But I was not looking at my two paper bags! What I was looking at was one 6-pack of beer and nothing else, placed in a paper bag with in a plastic bag. The other paper bag was filled with two items and my chicken wrapped in a plastic bag, and all of this then in a plastic bag. The last of my items were all placed in a brimming double plastic bag.

But then came the final death blow! This callous and unforgiving spawn from a corporate demon had wrapped a plastic bag around the handle for my cat litter. The sadistically jovial exclamation behind me from the deceptive checker of, "Oh Joe! That is such a good idea. How nice of you." was a final plunge into my heart heathen hordes from yore used to do after a battle to ensure no survivors.

I was forced to walk with my head held low out of those sliding doors with six plastic bags. Some may ask why I did not take a final stand and demand the removal of all the unwanted bags. Some may say that I gave in and surrendered. They do not understand the depth of vile filth from which this demon Safeway sprouted from. For if you decide to take that final desperate swing you are given an even more excruciating end. The baggers, while looking uncaring into your eyes, will throw each of those bags into the trash below them, even though there is a recycling bin for just such bags only steps outside the front door. Even defeated they force you to silence your own voice in order to remain on the moral high ground.

I curse you Safeway. I curse you.