Mallrats. :-p

Dread going to the mall? Can't stand the cramped and confined aisles, dodging strollers and runaway small children, the constant and deafening drone of the masses, or the glaring florescent lights that give everyone that waxy look?

Solution: Bring a friend who hates it more than you and has vocal cords that they are not afraid to use.


Need an example?

Derrick


If you do not have a Derrick handy, below is an example of what type of behavior to look for in picking your Derrick alternative...

As we entered the parking lot, Derrick took a deep breath and exhaled, "Okay, I am steeling myself." Of course then after having to squeeze through two SUVs creeping through the parking lot in order to get into a spot before a truck that was trying to swoop in, he grumbles, "God, I am not even in the mall yet and I am already surrounded by assholes."

As we enter through the mall doors, walking out of them is a tired looking woman with three kids, each with bright party hats on, a balloon in one hand and a happy meal in the other. Derrick barks, "Sheesh, they don't give you any transition time do they? It is just like BAM, you are in the fucking mall."


Once you have a friend who fits this description, ready your shopping list, comfortable shoes, credit cards, and bring your friend along. You are sure to have intermittent moments of gut wrenching laughter that will undoubtedly break up the day and prevent your brain from turning to mush.


Want proof?

Below are examples of some of the entertainment you might experience. Of course results vary depending on mall and friend.

In the lingerie section, Derrick picks up some underwear, holds it in front of his face, squints and asks, "Is this two pairs stuck together?"
"No, that is one pair."
Derrick then shouts, "Wow! These are like overalls?"

A little bit later, over near the bras, Derrick is again squinting, but this time at the signs.
"Full coverage?"
Derrick pauses and the woman just behind him who is also looking at the same section raises her head.
Derrick then yells, "Oh, full coverage! Like body armor. Full protection from the elements... liiiike MEN!"
He looks up at me and smiles. The lady to his right and just behind him, glares.


And that was just one department. After a couple of hours, while weaving through the racks of clothes, you could be entertained by an improv dialog between Derrick's balls and his brain. And after four hours you will get to experience growled comments like, "I am bleeding capitalism."

All in all it makes the time fly by faster, prevents you from concocting ideas of mass murder, and most importantly... keeps the sales people away. :-D