Crossing the border

I never really had a problem crossing the Mexico/USA border back in California. Hey, I look like a gringa, act like a gringa, and when I speak Spanish, boy do I sound like a gringa too. So yeah, no problems crossing the border even when piss drunk. There have even been a couple of times while on a greyhound, at the checkpoint just north of San Diego, they did not even wake me up to ask to see my ID.

The Canadian border? Not so much luck. Here are a few things I have learned NOT to do while going across the Canadian/USA border:

1) If you did not understand what the officer just said, do not repeat what you think they just said.
2) Do not try and crack jokes.
3) Do not ask if it is appropriate for them to ask you the question they just asked.
4) Do not laugh in the officer's face when they ask a question you think is funny or absurd.
5) Do not go into detail about the type of hand cuffs used that one time you were arrested.
And finally,
6) While in the border crossing lobby, do not grab your friend's passport and waive it about and exclaim that the reason you were stopped is because they look like a thug in their picture.

Well actually number 6 isn't really a no-no for crossing the border, just a polite thing not to do.


A little bit more on the different occasions where I picked up these gems of knowledge:

1) If the Canadian officer asks if you have any turpentine on you, it is quite possible that they are actually saying tobacco.
2) If the officer asks which one of you in the car is (insert female name) and you are the only female in the car, he/she is not stupid, this is the normal protocol and they do not like it when you point to a male in the car.
3) If the officer asks if you went to Canada to get married, they are simply trying to take you off guard and you asking them if that is an appropriate question makes them suspicious. I am still unsure if they are okay or not with comments such as, "Oh, is that illegal now too?"
4) If the officer asks if you have $10,000 in US or Canadian cash on you, this again is standard protocol. They don't appreciate people leaning out the car and bursting into laughter in their face.
5) If you are pulled out of line and have to go into the big ominous building for more questioning, small talk is not advised. This is mainly due to the fact that the only topics being raised, and hence small talk can stem from are: your previous illegal actions, if you have anything illegal in your car, and any illegal activity that you could do while in the country.
6) Well like I said, it is not really a no-no and was actually quite funny, but you might want to check your friends' passport pictures prior to trying to cross the border. Either way it could bring you a few laughs.


The picture is of one of the road blocks I saw while waiting in line to cross back into the USA. Nuff said.