Better late than never I guess.

I know this a rather late post on the outcome of the primaries but it is something that has been stewing and stewing in me, and I think I need to get out because it is something I should be over, but am not.

I voted for Hillary in the Washington state primaries. I actually had an opportunity to vote a second time for Hillary in the Oregon state primaries but decided against it out of fairness, but that is a different interesting topic. Either way, Obama won the most votes in the Democrat’s primaries and is now the pre-emptive Democrat candidate. And I am bitter.

Not only was I upset when it became evident that Obama had won, not only did I become bitter days afterwards, but more than a month later I am actually more upset and bitter with each week. In the beginning I blamed the media. Soon afterwards I blamed not only the media but also this countries hidden sexism. That soon expanded to Obama’s supporters. Through all of this though, I staunchly proclaimed that, “I am first a Democrat and second a Hillary supporter. I will vote for the Democrat’s candidate.” But lately I have found myself starting to extend my anger even to Obama, to think of him as the lesser of two evils, and even have the thought (even for a moment) enter my head of abstaining from voting.

A few notes: First, this is an emotional post, so the use of the word ‘blame’ does not always mean quilt, although if you read further there are some that I truly do blame with the accusation of quilt. Second, I do not clump all of Obama supporters into one group, but I do worry about his ability to control the extremist mob that has formed around him. And third, I am in no way leaning towards McCain.

After those disclaimers, onto my bitterness and their roots and manifestations…

It first began during the primary running. I did equally notice the racist rhetoric and deviousness of the media and some republican groups, but being female and not African-American, I of course felt and particularly noticed the times of underhanded sexism during the primaries more. There were lengthy debates on Hillary when she teared up when a woman asked her how she handled it all and kept on going. Debates on if she could handle the job of presidency because she shed a tear? Meanwhile many throw comments about how impersonal and out of touch politicians are? Oh, and please do not get me started on the debate of whether she was faking her tears! Obama gave a wonderful speech on racism and the need to overcome it, yet even all those so backwards to have been commenting how he was not black enough or how he was too white did not question his speech and how real it was. Sorry, I did get going on that topic, didn’t I?

There were many, many times where I was struck by with minimally blanketed sexism of the media coverage. Each time was a cold bucket of water to the face followed by a slap. Each was a steady squish to my (innocent and naïve maybe) ideology of this countries culture, like that of the twist of the ankle when squashing a bug on the ground. The moment I no longer became aghast or shocked but down right angry was when Olbermann (a journalist I admired) did not give a ‘special comment’ on the incident with Obama’s preacher and his angry rhetoric. For you see, just a month ago a woman from Hillary’s camp had made hateful and angry comments. Hillary did not denounce these comments, but stated that those comments were those of the person who had spoken them and not her own and every person has the right to their opinion even if she herself does not share them. That earned Hillary a grilling special comment from Olbermann. A few days after this statement from Hillary, she accepted the resignation of this women. Yet, just a month later, Obama’s pastor (a man) was found to also have made hateful and angry comments. Obama also did not immediately denounce this person; in fact he did not do so for a month. And yet, no special comment from Olbermann, only in depth discussion on the impact that this would have on his candidacy.

So it is safe to say that when it was evident that Obama had won the primary I was a little disgruntled. Hillary’s speeches of what had been accomplished for women made me think instead of what had actually been uncovered. My life I have advocated for those who are not seen equally because I thought I lived the life I wanted because of others who fought for my equality. My life I have never thought myself a suppressed or discriminated against person. Yes, there are a few barriers left to be broken, but the war had been won, there were just a few battles left to seal the deal. Not after this. My world had been turned upside down. And it continued.

When I watched the new candidate that I was now backing being introduced by a former Hillary supporter and the people in the audience booed when hearing Hillary’s name, I was stunned. Shocked. Silenced. But when Obama himself got up on the stage and they booed when he mentioned Hillary, that quickly changed. I was angry. Furious. Felt stabbed in the back. Turned upon.

My thoughts: Nice way to support your candidate guys, boo the other Democrats. That will really get him elected. I see now that it is not about the issues. It is not about the party. It is about your candidate.

Yes. That is where me thoughts took me. It was not our candidate, but their candidate. I know that the preceding feelings and emotions described in my previous paragraphs played a large part in the train of my thoughts but I would not like to offer that as an excuse to them. When they booed, they were not booing Hillary; they were booing her followers too. If they did not realize that then that is even more their fault. Those who booed (in not just that, but a few rallies) were no longer rooting for the party, the issues, and the causes; they were booing a person and rooting for another person. Together we were Democrats but in those moments they put it to a level of you guys and us. Maybe that is a fallacy of the Democrat party that has even been joked upon, but I don’t think it has ever been taken to this level.

There was a lot of discussion and debate regarding what Obama was going to do to win over the Hillary supporters, and I think he really has tried extensively. But his tactic has been of praising what Hillary did and how much she accomplished; it did not address or even speak of the hurt that many of her followers feel or why. The root causes of the anger and bitterness have not been addressed, hell even spoken of. A wound that is left untended festers, and that is exactly what has happened to me.

The sexism I viewed during the primaries made it difficult to separate Hillary’s campaign for the presidency based on her political views from a separate campaign against underlying sexism in this country. Her campaign became so much more than just a want for a Democrat in the Oval Office. It became so much more than a hope for a woman candidate. It became a battle for all of that, but also against the ignored and accepted sexism in this country. Her campaign becoming that maked it equally as hard to not see Obama not as the winner of a primary election, but as the victor against the battle I just described. Then to not have the wounds and the hurt that I experience addressed only let the animosity to remain, just under the skin, so that every move and word was analyzed to try and find any fault and any further insult. Unfortunately Obama’s supporters provided those moments without much analysis needed.

I think it is safe to assume that most would think that my perceptions and logic have been degrading at an exponential rate through this, but again I state that this is an emotional piece. While I usually put more stock in facts (and of course, numbers) my point at the end of this is that this is no longer just a logical issue. Beyond just the emotion of just fear based advertising or mud slinging, this campaign has conceived more deep seeded emotion than (sadly) most ever have, and that needs to be addressed.

I am angry. I am not bitter, but angry. I feel betrayed by the public of my country and then I feel betrayed by my party. I have over and over again told myself that all of this is separate from Obama, but each time it is harder and harder. Illogical? Yes, but it is there, and I think that had Hillary won, many African-Americans might be having a similar debate with themselves like I am.